Time to let go of the guilt

And it took me until now to release her beautiful Shiba body back to the earth in which she came.

To  be truly at peace and ready to honor her wish.

And as I released her ashes here on this mountain top, it still shook me up a bit, with that inevitable lump in my throat, tears in my eyes, and the deepest love in my heart.

I held onto her ashes I imagine for several reasons.

One, I just didn't want to let her physical body go. At least at the beginning. For the first few years.

Then after that, I just didn't feel intuitively called to a place that I felt was good enough to release her ashes. A good enough place for her beautiful Shiba body which held her essence for so long.

So I carried her ashes with me from home to home, state to state, mountain to mountain for over six years. Three mountain tops in the past three years, her urn came with me.

I mean, I knew her essence was with me always, and always would be, but isn't it interesting how long we can hold onto the physical nature?

I don't think honestly there'd ever be a place in my eyes and heart worthy enough for her resting place, but just the same her essence is with me every single day and moment guiding, loving, and protecting me in only the way a spiritual being can do.

She taught me that. Through our continued experiences, from the afterlife and beyond. And I would never have imagined but our bond is closer now than ever before. Our love deeper.

Recently she requested that I forgive myself.

Forgive myself for amputating her leg and the pain she experienced during her cancer. I knew in my head and from her in Spirit that she didn't want me to blame myself. That she never did.

But it wasn't until last week when she specifically asked me to forgive myself that I knew I had to for her. And for me. The truth is...I can never tell her no when she authentically has a request. I love her that much, we are soulmates, and honoring her requests is how i can express my deep love.

So it was time. Time to forgive myself. To lay the guilt to rest. And time to give her what she requested way back when she passed, to release her physical body back to the earth.

Perhaps that is really what held me back from letting her body go. The guilt. I was holding on to her body as an extension of the guilt.

Maybe I just couldn't release her body until I released the guilt. That feels true.

So it was time.

And as in Spirit, they are patient, there is no hurry. Our beloveds on the other side sit with us, with deep love and compassion, while we heal our hearts.

The air feels good here on this mountain top. The sky blue and clouds floating all around. It feels like a place for her body to be set free. Worthy of her precious body, the Shiba body she revered and loved so much.

This makes me reflect on what the animal communicator said she did right before she crossed over.

As she let out her last breath and her soul readied to cross, she first kissed her body and then turned to me and kissed my forehead before crossing over the rainbow bridge.

She did come right back to be with me through my grief, but that's another story for another day. I wrote about it in some of my other posts.

To hear how she kissed her body in reverence first, really touched my heart. She loved the body that allowed her soul to be in this lifetime. So much.

And though it took me this long to honor her request, I think perhaps ultimately I needed to see that no matter how many years had passed, what she told me before crossing was true.

"I will be with you always and forever, mom. Just different."

And so she is. And now her body is finally returned to where it came. A gift I've wanted to give her for so very long. And I have released the guilt for her. For me.

Akira and me, always and forever, love, love, love. 😘💕